From The Archives: The Playa's Guide

Jay Klaich used to be a full time smoker. There was nothing more in this world that he loved more than sitting on his deck, busting open a can of The Beast, and lighting up a sweet square. But in a time when cigarette prices were on the rise and where society frowned on the pastime in general, Klaich could ill afford to continue his pricey vice. That is until he found the book, 'Bumming Smokes: The Playa's Guide'.
Written by Chas, and published by Lumber Books in late 2008, 'Bumming Smokes: The Playa's Guide' is a step by step manual to scoring endless numbers of cigarettes, while expending a minimal amount of cash. "It's for the thrifty full time smoker," Chas stated in September of 2008. "We all can't have the kind of money that Cougar Mellencamp has to buy endless amounts of Marlboro Reds and Whoppers."
Klaich purchased the book in October of 2008 and has had nothing but good things to say about it. "I used to buy a pack of smokes and let it last me for 2 weeks. I had to ration out those cancer sticks," Klaich confessed. "But now, I can spend next to nothing and get a weekly intake of about 60 cigarettes."
The book goes through a series of techniques ranging from getting your friends super-drunk, to hitting on unattractive female smokers, to stealing smokes from unattended packs left on the bar. "I like the section on wide-ranged bumming," Klaich said. "Hitting up a variety of people so as to not piss off any single person too much. That seems to be key."
"I also like the section on sharing the wealth. On the rare occasion that I do actually have my own smokes, giving them back to the people I bum from will definitely allow me to take full advantage of them in the future," Klaich admitted. "I also love those Camel people that come around and give you free smokes. There was a hot Asian one at Schuba's once."
Klaich is not the only one who has found success after reading the book. Networker extraordinaire Billy Karr is another satisfied customer. "I read The Playa's Guide any chance I get, to touch up on my bumming skills. In the bathroom, on long trips, even during sex," Karr proclaimed. "And last weekend alone I bummed 36 smokes in a two night stint at Cheers."
Due to the success of 'The Playa's Guide', Chas has decided to write another guide that should be out early next year. Tentatively titled, 'Minimize', the book attempts to cover how to surf the net all day at work without getting caught.

About Town

Here's a picture from the Chicago Bulls game that I attended last night. What a magical evening! Let me recap for you. I met up with Kev and Dee at the Billy Goat Tavern just before 6pm, and we laughed and laughed as we ate double cheeseburgers and drank Old Styles. The first big snafu of the evening came early on, when we realized that none of us had cigarettes. What's a boy to do in a situation like that? Well, we text messaged The Vlieks, in hopes that he might have some kind of tobacco product on his person. No dice! Alas, we would have to do without digs for the short-term. We sauntered through the rain until we reached the United Center. Vlieks was waiting with tickets in hand! A quick stop off at the pissers and then a visit to the beer man was all we needed to prepare for the big match. Look, it's Derrick Rose! And he's oh so close to us. The game began, and I think the score remained close for most of the game. I'm not sure, because I was too distracted by the Dunkin Donuts Race, the Lovabulls, Bennie the Bull shooting t-shirts out of cannon, and three drunk Poles molesting the ticketholders in row 5 of section 113. These guys loved Śląsk Wrocław, the Polish basketball equivalent of the Chicago Bulls. And they made sure everyone knew about it. They climbed up two rows of seats to take pictures with young girls, and at one point, Dee proclaimed, "that dude's got his hand on Chas's knee." Indeed he did! It was a peace offering that could only have come from the heart of Warsaw. One gentleman in row 5 was not amused by the antics of the Poles. He conveyed his feelings with verbal threats. Please, this is family entertainment! Anyway, I was able to sneak out and bum a smoke in between the third and fourth quarters. Dee wasn't so pleased, as he was left behind. I told him to use his charm on some nicotine addicts positioned outside of Gate 7, but he would not have it. What a goof! The game ended with the Bulls losing by five, and then Kev totally gave me a ride home. A smoke on my balcony brought to end a most perfect night.