Falling Down

I was on my in to work today, traveling my normal route. When I arrived at the Monroe Street subway station, I deboarded the red line train. A northbound train had also just delivered its passenger load, so there were many pedestrians in the station. I decided to forgo the initial escalator, as there was a large line of people waiting to use it. I took the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I had to again choose between a set of stairs and an escalator out to street level. This time, I chose the escalator. This particular escalator was overloaded with obese individuals. So much so, that 2/3 of my way up to the street, the escalator slowed and then stopped and then started to crawl backwards. In that quick instant, I envisioned a tumbling mass of humanity crushing me as it fell backwards. Thankfully, that did not happen. But I realized that if I was going to make it up this escalator, I was going to have to double time my steps, since the motor had now switched to reverse. Sadly, the individuals ahead of me could barely keep up with the reverse rate. So I had to dodge my way up. As I made my way to the apex of the escalator, I overheard a woman exclaim, "Damn CTA". How dare you, woman, blame the CTA for society's obese tendencies. I will not have it!

Bocce '08

If you were not in Crown Point, Indiana this weekend, you truly missed out. Unless you were at the three baseball games on the South Side of Chicago. Go Sox! Anyway, the return of Bocce Bowl was a welcome treat for the residents of this quaint capital of Lake County, Indiana. The competition was heated, the Bud Light was cold, and the meat was flame-broiled. The Dog Pound Bitches faced off against Tenderfoot in the championship round, and the DP Bitches took the top prize. I'd like to thank Semmy and Klizzatch for arranging the food, and Jimmmay for the beverages and the marinated skirt steak. I'd also like to thank the fine folks at Johnny's Tap for not kicking us out due to our poor renditions of Doobie Brothers classics. See you next year!

Thank you,

girl on the Red Line, for expressing the feelings of your fellow passengers so eloquently. You obviously noticed the same things that I did about the dude with two cell phones and two large backpacks. His extreme douchebaggedness was an affront to douchebags everywhere. When his initial phone conversation came to an end, you refrained from commenting. But when he clicked over to take another call, you could not help yourself. "Jesus Christ," you exclaimed. An immediate smile came across my face as I looked over to you. "I thought he was done already," you stated. As the oblivious mister continued his conversation, we learned many fascinating things about him, didn't we? He doesn't have plans for the 4th of July, he's totally open to whatever is going down, and he's getting off at the next stop, Belmont. Upon hearing this you loudly sighed, "Thank God!" Oh, he heard you that time! At first I thought he might take off the coffee mug that he had affixed to his belt, and whip it across the train in your direction. But he must have reconsidered, as he then lowered his voice and started making his way towards the door. He departed at Belmont, and you departed soon after at Addison. Fare thee well, Wrigleyville girl with the bitchin' attitude.

Winter Wonderland

As I walked the city streets on my lunch hour today, I couldn't help but reminisce about a time much simpler, much more peaceful. Wintertime in Chicago. Oh, many people will tell you that summertime in Chicago is the shit. It's shit, alright. Filled with people who don't know where they're going, Greenpeace hippies, and frat boys who have come out of hibernation. Are you not following? Let me explain. When the kids get out of school, many parents like to bring their kids into the downtown area to give them some culture. As they try to locate the free trolleys to the museum campus and Navy Pier, they get in the way of us working folks who actually have to get to Gold Coast Dogs and back on our lunch hour. Then there are the Greenpeace hippies who stand on every street corner. "Hey, man! Do you have a minute for the environment?" Please do not bother me! I have a double cheeseburger in a sack that I hold at my side, and I will use it! And last but not least are the frat boys. These dudes can't weekday sauce in the winter when there is more than 1/4" of snow on the ground. But once the snow thaws and the Cubs start playing, they come out in force. Taking up valuable real estate on the barstools I so covet! Anyway, summer is here, come visit the city, hooray.

Apology To Gorditas

Gorditas, for so many years I have overlooked you. And I must apologize, because your deliciousness is evident in your deliciousness. Being a traditionalist, I have so many times gone with the taco supreme combo. An excellent choice, no doubt, but I was afraid to take a risk with you. You and your warm pita, which I laughingly discarded as some kind of cruel hoax. "Leave the pitas to the gyros makers," I quipped. But today I took the risk. Much like I did back in '89 with the Mexican Pizza. And you delivered on your promise. Never before have I felt this full, this satisfied after a TBell meal. I don't know how I can make up for all the years of neglect, but I'm going to try. I hope to see you again soon, amigo.

The Four Seasons

What's your favorite song by The Four Seasons? I think mine is "Rag Doll". Frankie really reached new heights on that one. Also, when I was on the red line this morning, some coked up old dude fell into me. All I could do was laugh and pat him on the back. Crazy old dude!

Lawn Mowing

I mowed my lawn today, and then I took a picture of it. I've attached the picture below. I can only imagine what it will look like after this Bocce season is over.