From The Archives: The Playa's Guide

Jay Klaich used to be a full time smoker. There was nothing more in this world that he loved more than sitting on his deck, busting open a can of The Beast, and lighting up a sweet square. But in a time when cigarette prices were on the rise and where society frowned on the pastime in general, Klaich could ill afford to continue his pricey vice. That is until he found the book, 'Bumming Smokes: The Playa's Guide'.
Written by Chas, and published by Lumber Books in late 2008, 'Bumming Smokes: The Playa's Guide' is a step by step manual to scoring endless numbers of cigarettes, while expending a minimal amount of cash. "It's for the thrifty full time smoker," Chas stated in September of 2008. "We all can't have the kind of money that Cougar Mellencamp has to buy endless amounts of Marlboro Reds and Whoppers."
Klaich purchased the book in October of 2008 and has had nothing but good things to say about it. "I used to buy a pack of smokes and let it last me for 2 weeks. I had to ration out those cancer sticks," Klaich confessed. "But now, I can spend next to nothing and get a weekly intake of about 60 cigarettes."
The book goes through a series of techniques ranging from getting your friends super-drunk, to hitting on unattractive female smokers, to stealing smokes from unattended packs left on the bar. "I like the section on wide-ranged bumming," Klaich said. "Hitting up a variety of people so as to not piss off any single person too much. That seems to be key."
"I also like the section on sharing the wealth. On the rare occasion that I do actually have my own smokes, giving them back to the people I bum from will definitely allow me to take full advantage of them in the future," Klaich admitted. "I also love those Camel people that come around and give you free smokes. There was a hot Asian one at Schuba's once."
Klaich is not the only one who has found success after reading the book. Networker extraordinaire Billy Karr is another satisfied customer. "I read The Playa's Guide any chance I get, to touch up on my bumming skills. In the bathroom, on long trips, even during sex," Karr proclaimed. "And last weekend alone I bummed 36 smokes in a two night stint at Cheers."
Due to the success of 'The Playa's Guide', Chas has decided to write another guide that should be out early next year. Tentatively titled, 'Minimize', the book attempts to cover how to surf the net all day at work without getting caught.

About Town

Here's a picture from the Chicago Bulls game that I attended last night. What a magical evening! Let me recap for you. I met up with Kev and Dee at the Billy Goat Tavern just before 6pm, and we laughed and laughed as we ate double cheeseburgers and drank Old Styles. The first big snafu of the evening came early on, when we realized that none of us had cigarettes. What's a boy to do in a situation like that? Well, we text messaged The Vlieks, in hopes that he might have some kind of tobacco product on his person. No dice! Alas, we would have to do without digs for the short-term. We sauntered through the rain until we reached the United Center. Vlieks was waiting with tickets in hand! A quick stop off at the pissers and then a visit to the beer man was all we needed to prepare for the big match. Look, it's Derrick Rose! And he's oh so close to us. The game began, and I think the score remained close for most of the game. I'm not sure, because I was too distracted by the Dunkin Donuts Race, the Lovabulls, Bennie the Bull shooting t-shirts out of cannon, and three drunk Poles molesting the ticketholders in row 5 of section 113. These guys loved Śląsk Wrocław, the Polish basketball equivalent of the Chicago Bulls. And they made sure everyone knew about it. They climbed up two rows of seats to take pictures with young girls, and at one point, Dee proclaimed, "that dude's got his hand on Chas's knee." Indeed he did! It was a peace offering that could only have come from the heart of Warsaw. One gentleman in row 5 was not amused by the antics of the Poles. He conveyed his feelings with verbal threats. Please, this is family entertainment! Anyway, I was able to sneak out and bum a smoke in between the third and fourth quarters. Dee wasn't so pleased, as he was left behind. I told him to use his charm on some nicotine addicts positioned outside of Gate 7, but he would not have it. What a goof! The game ended with the Bulls losing by five, and then Kev totally gave me a ride home. A smoke on my balcony brought to end a most perfect night.

Falling Down

I was on my in to work today, traveling my normal route. When I arrived at the Monroe Street subway station, I deboarded the red line train. A northbound train had also just delivered its passenger load, so there were many pedestrians in the station. I decided to forgo the initial escalator, as there was a large line of people waiting to use it. I took the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I had to again choose between a set of stairs and an escalator out to street level. This time, I chose the escalator. This particular escalator was overloaded with obese individuals. So much so, that 2/3 of my way up to the street, the escalator slowed and then stopped and then started to crawl backwards. In that quick instant, I envisioned a tumbling mass of humanity crushing me as it fell backwards. Thankfully, that did not happen. But I realized that if I was going to make it up this escalator, I was going to have to double time my steps, since the motor had now switched to reverse. Sadly, the individuals ahead of me could barely keep up with the reverse rate. So I had to dodge my way up. As I made my way to the apex of the escalator, I overheard a woman exclaim, "Damn CTA". How dare you, woman, blame the CTA for society's obese tendencies. I will not have it!

Bocce '08

If you were not in Crown Point, Indiana this weekend, you truly missed out. Unless you were at the three baseball games on the South Side of Chicago. Go Sox! Anyway, the return of Bocce Bowl was a welcome treat for the residents of this quaint capital of Lake County, Indiana. The competition was heated, the Bud Light was cold, and the meat was flame-broiled. The Dog Pound Bitches faced off against Tenderfoot in the championship round, and the DP Bitches took the top prize. I'd like to thank Semmy and Klizzatch for arranging the food, and Jimmmay for the beverages and the marinated skirt steak. I'd also like to thank the fine folks at Johnny's Tap for not kicking us out due to our poor renditions of Doobie Brothers classics. See you next year!

Thank you,

girl on the Red Line, for expressing the feelings of your fellow passengers so eloquently. You obviously noticed the same things that I did about the dude with two cell phones and two large backpacks. His extreme douchebaggedness was an affront to douchebags everywhere. When his initial phone conversation came to an end, you refrained from commenting. But when he clicked over to take another call, you could not help yourself. "Jesus Christ," you exclaimed. An immediate smile came across my face as I looked over to you. "I thought he was done already," you stated. As the oblivious mister continued his conversation, we learned many fascinating things about him, didn't we? He doesn't have plans for the 4th of July, he's totally open to whatever is going down, and he's getting off at the next stop, Belmont. Upon hearing this you loudly sighed, "Thank God!" Oh, he heard you that time! At first I thought he might take off the coffee mug that he had affixed to his belt, and whip it across the train in your direction. But he must have reconsidered, as he then lowered his voice and started making his way towards the door. He departed at Belmont, and you departed soon after at Addison. Fare thee well, Wrigleyville girl with the bitchin' attitude.

Winter Wonderland

As I walked the city streets on my lunch hour today, I couldn't help but reminisce about a time much simpler, much more peaceful. Wintertime in Chicago. Oh, many people will tell you that summertime in Chicago is the shit. It's shit, alright. Filled with people who don't know where they're going, Greenpeace hippies, and frat boys who have come out of hibernation. Are you not following? Let me explain. When the kids get out of school, many parents like to bring their kids into the downtown area to give them some culture. As they try to locate the free trolleys to the museum campus and Navy Pier, they get in the way of us working folks who actually have to get to Gold Coast Dogs and back on our lunch hour. Then there are the Greenpeace hippies who stand on every street corner. "Hey, man! Do you have a minute for the environment?" Please do not bother me! I have a double cheeseburger in a sack that I hold at my side, and I will use it! And last but not least are the frat boys. These dudes can't weekday sauce in the winter when there is more than 1/4" of snow on the ground. But once the snow thaws and the Cubs start playing, they come out in force. Taking up valuable real estate on the barstools I so covet! Anyway, summer is here, come visit the city, hooray.

Apology To Gorditas

Gorditas, for so many years I have overlooked you. And I must apologize, because your deliciousness is evident in your deliciousness. Being a traditionalist, I have so many times gone with the taco supreme combo. An excellent choice, no doubt, but I was afraid to take a risk with you. You and your warm pita, which I laughingly discarded as some kind of cruel hoax. "Leave the pitas to the gyros makers," I quipped. But today I took the risk. Much like I did back in '89 with the Mexican Pizza. And you delivered on your promise. Never before have I felt this full, this satisfied after a TBell meal. I don't know how I can make up for all the years of neglect, but I'm going to try. I hope to see you again soon, amigo.

The Four Seasons

What's your favorite song by The Four Seasons? I think mine is "Rag Doll". Frankie really reached new heights on that one. Also, when I was on the red line this morning, some coked up old dude fell into me. All I could do was laugh and pat him on the back. Crazy old dude!

Lawn Mowing

I mowed my lawn today, and then I took a picture of it. I've attached the picture below. I can only imagine what it will look like after this Bocce season is over.

Waveland Bowl - Week 1 Review

Meet the lineup for your 2008 Nights Are 4ever Bowling team:

Leadoff - Chas

Two-hole - Meg

Striker - Maddog

Cleanup - AP

Sixth Man - Big Play

The Mad Pino - LC

Nights Are 4ever took on The Schlubs And Co. team on the eve of March 18. The first of three games was taken by Nights Are 4ever, led by Chas and his 155. As Bud Light started to take effect, Nights Are 4ever surrendered a close game two. The team was working on all cylinders for game three, as Maddog posted an impressive 183. Team morale was at an all-time high when Big Play made a post-game appearance for some celebratory libations. Big Play had to miss the evening's match due to a prior commitment to a local charity. The unselfish, skilled play of both Meg and AP will be something that teams will have to reckon with throughout this season. I don't envy those folks. LC was out of town on business, but she hopes to rejoin the team for next week's match.

Pictures to come in subsequent weeks.

I Am Crazy For This Chicken

El Pollo Loco opened up a location in my neighborhood earlier this month. They have been moving into the Chicagoland area recently, and they receive rave reviews. I had to try their chicken offerings to find out for myself. I am happy to report that everything I've tried has been delicious. The Ultimate Grilled Burrito combo was top notch, and the $1 chicken legs are delectable. But I think my favorite item so far has been the Original Pollo Bowl. Chicken breast, pinto beans, rice, cilantro, onions and Pico de Gallo combine for a flavor sensation unlike anything you've had served to you in a bowl from Chipotle. I am sure to frequent this location for months to come. Alas, they are not open late night for your post-bar burrito cravings.

Recent News

Recently, someone at my company made the executive decision to remove Twix from the vending machine and replace them with Oreos. I love a good Oreo, but I find myself missing the creamy caramel that Twix brought to the table. In honor of Twix, I would like to leave you with these words, originally penned by Mr. Kenny Rogers:

Through the years

You've never let me down

You turned my life around

The sweetest days I've found

I've found with you

The Magic Bullet

I was flipping through the channels the other night, and I happened upon an infomercial for The Magic Bullet. I was so amazed by the product, I could not tear myself away from the channel. Like the Miracle Blade and The Ronco Rotisserie before it, I was hooked. I was a bit disappointed by the pricing of this item, though. I was hoping that it would cost no more than $49.99, but when the price was finally revealed, they had it at $99.99. I suppose that's still good, especially since you get two full systems, but I don't need two. I just need one. Oh, they tell you that the second one will "make a great gift", but I don't have any friends. Anyway, it's a pretty cool appliance, but you should check it out for yourselves here.

April Fools?

If you are looking for a way to celebrate the day after April Fools' Day, as I know you are, look no further than Martyr's. Martyr's will be hosting Tributosaurus, who will be performing all the classic hits of Journey. Now I know what you're saying. "If I wanted to see a Journey tribute band, I would just visit a bar in the south suburbs any weekend." Fair enough. But, I can assure you that Tributosaurus pulls together their shows with amazing sonic accuracy and flair. Start growing out your mullets now, because this is going to be a happening.

Martyr's, April 2, 7:00 and 9:30pm.

My Two Dads

Remember that show "My Two Dads"? Of course you do, it was excellent. Well, if I had to choose two dads, these are the two that I would choose. Also, the next time you are shopping on Amazon.com, I would suggest choosing the "Nights Are Forever" album.

Ridin' The Rail

If you are overweight and/or if you have a chronic cough, please do not sit next to me on public transportation. And I apologize in advance for the alcohol smell emanating from my pores. Thanks!

Tonight's Plan - A Century Of Progress

So, I think I'm going to meet up with some friends this evening at Fat Cat for a rousing game of Century Club. For those of you not familiar with this game, it is very simple. Century Club is played by each member taking a shot glass of beer every minute for 100 minutes. The winner is the person who lasts the whole game without passing out or leaving the room. Vomiting is usually allowed; however, in some extreme games, vomiting will result in elimination. Atomic Century Club is this game but every tenth shot is vodka or tequila. So the bartender at Fat Cat, Kyle, said he would set us up tonight. I'm not sure what that will consist of, but I'm hoping a table full of shot glasses, and a large tub filled with ice and beers. Bob is going to need this to get him primed for the downtown clubs later in the evening.

Indian Food

Do you enjoy massive amounts of curry in your food? If so, you might enjoy this article that breaks down the items that you will find at an all you can eat Indian buffett. Deepak and I are making plans to tackle one of these buffetts soon. Do you dare join us?

Huge Sausage

Get there!


Larger-Than-Life Bratwurst Drop
What: 2 Dudes Catering chefs Jon Shook and Vinny Dotolo count down as a giant bratwurst drops from a crane onto a two-story grill.
Why: When you’re a brat, you’re at your worst.
When: Fri., 11 a.m.-1 p.m.
Where: John Hancock Plaza, 875 N. Michigan Ave., at Delaware Pl.

Win A Date - Scarlett Johansson

Put your money where your mouth is, or where it would like to be. Bid on a date with Ms. Scarlett Johansson. There are only seven days remaining to bid on eBay. Click on her left breast in the picture for more info.

Bonus Event Pick O' The Week - Crew Karaoke

If you enjoy karaoke and gay porn, get out to Crew tonight for you chance to sing karaoke to win gay porn! Click on the picture for more information.

Event Pick O' The Week - 'Lost' Viewing Party

'Lost' viewing party
Stretch Run Sporting Club & Grill
544 N. La Salle St.
Chicago, IL 60610

Watch the show's fourth season, plus get $15 Corona buckets and $5 Jack Daniel's and gin cocktails (in honor of characters Jack Shephard and Jin Kwon). Trivia and prizes follow.

Dudes, take your ladies out for a night on the town. They can watch Lost on one of over 200 television monitors. And while they enjoy the ABC drama, you can get lost in the drama of live action horse racing! Many of those 200 television monitors will be set to simulcast races from around the country. Pimlico never looked as good as it does on one of Strech Run's HD tv screens. Drink specials ensure that you will have plenty left over for exacta and trifecta wagering. It's a win/win that the ladies in your life will thank you for again and again!

Ridin' The Rail

Today when I boarded the train at the Wilson stop, I planted myself in a single seat in the corner of the train car. I'm afraid I sat in the bum dude's seat. You know, the seat where the bum was sitting before he got off the train right before you got on? There was a sweet stench that permeated the car, and it seemed to be originating from my general vicinity. Thankfully, by Fullerton, the smell had exhausted itself. Or maybe I was just used to it at that point, I'm not sure. Anyway, when I finally got to my office, the smell returned for a bit. I think it rubbed off on me. Curses, bum dude!

Hot Sauce O' The Day - Miss Anna's

If you enjoy hot sauce like I do, you're gonna love Miss Anna's offerings. Her hot sauces have just the right amount of Caribbean curry. I beg you to click the picture and order some for yourself today. She's got gift packs, you know. Also, her hot sauces make great items to include on your wedding registries.

Free Wieners

Portillo's is giving away 500 free hot dogs tomorrow. Get there!

Portillo's - Chicago, Illinois
100 W. Ontario
Chicago IL
60610
312-587-8910

Bachelor O' The Day - Skippy

This early thirty something has a penchant for cross training, late night bars, and fast women. A self-proclaimed funny man, Skippy decided to bolt from the downtown scene a couple of years ago. These days, he can often be found in the outskirts of the city prowling for ladies in his white cargo van. He still has his favorite urban hangs, though. If you're lucky, you might catch him enjoying a pizza at Dags, performing improv comedy at IO, or dancing the robot at Hangge Uppe. Ladies, it is hard to pin Skippy down. But once you do, you are in for the van ride of your life!

Food Review - Pinky's Gyros

For lunch today, I visited the recently opened Pinky's Gyros & Beef at The Thompson Center. They have an extensive menu of unhealthy, yet delicious lunch options. I went with the familiar gyros sandwich. The pita was soft and warm, with just a touch of crispness. The sauce was decent, better than the sauce you will get on your gyros from The Works. The Works has the worst gyros sauce ever, by the way. There was one half slice of tomato, and then about six full slices of gyros meat. I found the sandwich to be lacking in size, given the price was $5.50 (including tax). It was tasty, but I have a feeling I will be taking a walk over to Dairy Queen later this afternoon for a mint Oreo Blizzard, because Chas is still hungry. And it's been awhile.

Thoughts About Pickin'

I sat down last night to learn some songs on the guitar, and I focused on one artist in particular. The Great Dan Fogelberg. Sadly, I fell asleep after a bit and totally missed Real World/Road Rules Challenge. But my problems are not your problems, so I will refrain from boring you with them any further. Anyway, before passing out, I was able to pick out "Hard To Say". Can anyone tell me if one of the members of The Eagles is singing background on that song? I could swear I hear Glenn Frey in there. Somebody look it up and report back, that is your assignment for today. Also, how great is the song "Missing You"? I was able to catch a live Fogelberg performance from 2004 on PBS last week. WTTW, window to the world, bitches. Needless to say, it was super rockin'.

Bachelorette O' The Day - Sweet Jane

This temptress from the heartland enjoys playing the guitar, playing beach volleyball, and going for long walks with her dog. Fellas, her bark is much worse than her bite. Sweet Jane has been known to frequent Midwestern pubs and concert halls in search of her perfect man. Leave a comment and let her know just how enticing she appears!

Which Album Rocks Harder?

The Proclaimers "Life With You" or The White Stripes "Get Behind Me Satan". You be the judge.

To: Girl Who Was Hogging Guitar Hero at Whiskey Road 2/8/08

Bachelor O' The Day - Maddog

Hello, ladies. If you enjoy windsurfing, snowboarding, gambling, and cigarette smoking, this might be the man for you. Born on the wrong side of the creek, Maddog has a propensity for finding trouble. He's the bad boy your mother always warned you about. But don't let his gruff exterior dissuade you. Inside, this Doberman is as gentle and caring as a Jack Russel Terrier pup. Do not delay. Leave a comment requesting contact information today!

I'm a wheel

I will turn on you.