From The Archives: The Playa's Guide

Jay Klaich used to be a full time smoker. There was nothing more in this world that he loved more than sitting on his deck, busting open a can of The Beast, and lighting up a sweet square. But in a time when cigarette prices were on the rise and where society frowned on the pastime in general, Klaich could ill afford to continue his pricey vice. That is until he found the book, 'Bumming Smokes: The Playa's Guide'.
Written by Chas, and published by Lumber Books in late 2008, 'Bumming Smokes: The Playa's Guide' is a step by step manual to scoring endless numbers of cigarettes, while expending a minimal amount of cash. "It's for the thrifty full time smoker," Chas stated in September of 2008. "We all can't have the kind of money that Cougar Mellencamp has to buy endless amounts of Marlboro Reds and Whoppers."
Klaich purchased the book in October of 2008 and has had nothing but good things to say about it. "I used to buy a pack of smokes and let it last me for 2 weeks. I had to ration out those cancer sticks," Klaich confessed. "But now, I can spend next to nothing and get a weekly intake of about 60 cigarettes."
The book goes through a series of techniques ranging from getting your friends super-drunk, to hitting on unattractive female smokers, to stealing smokes from unattended packs left on the bar. "I like the section on wide-ranged bumming," Klaich said. "Hitting up a variety of people so as to not piss off any single person too much. That seems to be key."
"I also like the section on sharing the wealth. On the rare occasion that I do actually have my own smokes, giving them back to the people I bum from will definitely allow me to take full advantage of them in the future," Klaich admitted. "I also love those Camel people that come around and give you free smokes. There was a hot Asian one at Schuba's once."
Klaich is not the only one who has found success after reading the book. Networker extraordinaire Billy Karr is another satisfied customer. "I read The Playa's Guide any chance I get, to touch up on my bumming skills. In the bathroom, on long trips, even during sex," Karr proclaimed. "And last weekend alone I bummed 36 smokes in a two night stint at Cheers."
Due to the success of 'The Playa's Guide', Chas has decided to write another guide that should be out early next year. Tentatively titled, 'Minimize', the book attempts to cover how to surf the net all day at work without getting caught.

About Town

Here's a picture from the Chicago Bulls game that I attended last night. What a magical evening! Let me recap for you. I met up with Kev and Dee at the Billy Goat Tavern just before 6pm, and we laughed and laughed as we ate double cheeseburgers and drank Old Styles. The first big snafu of the evening came early on, when we realized that none of us had cigarettes. What's a boy to do in a situation like that? Well, we text messaged The Vlieks, in hopes that he might have some kind of tobacco product on his person. No dice! Alas, we would have to do without digs for the short-term. We sauntered through the rain until we reached the United Center. Vlieks was waiting with tickets in hand! A quick stop off at the pissers and then a visit to the beer man was all we needed to prepare for the big match. Look, it's Derrick Rose! And he's oh so close to us. The game began, and I think the score remained close for most of the game. I'm not sure, because I was too distracted by the Dunkin Donuts Race, the Lovabulls, Bennie the Bull shooting t-shirts out of cannon, and three drunk Poles molesting the ticketholders in row 5 of section 113. These guys loved Śląsk Wrocław, the Polish basketball equivalent of the Chicago Bulls. And they made sure everyone knew about it. They climbed up two rows of seats to take pictures with young girls, and at one point, Dee proclaimed, "that dude's got his hand on Chas's knee." Indeed he did! It was a peace offering that could only have come from the heart of Warsaw. One gentleman in row 5 was not amused by the antics of the Poles. He conveyed his feelings with verbal threats. Please, this is family entertainment! Anyway, I was able to sneak out and bum a smoke in between the third and fourth quarters. Dee wasn't so pleased, as he was left behind. I told him to use his charm on some nicotine addicts positioned outside of Gate 7, but he would not have it. What a goof! The game ended with the Bulls losing by five, and then Kev totally gave me a ride home. A smoke on my balcony brought to end a most perfect night.

Falling Down

I was on my in to work today, traveling my normal route. When I arrived at the Monroe Street subway station, I deboarded the red line train. A northbound train had also just delivered its passenger load, so there were many pedestrians in the station. I decided to forgo the initial escalator, as there was a large line of people waiting to use it. I took the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I had to again choose between a set of stairs and an escalator out to street level. This time, I chose the escalator. This particular escalator was overloaded with obese individuals. So much so, that 2/3 of my way up to the street, the escalator slowed and then stopped and then started to crawl backwards. In that quick instant, I envisioned a tumbling mass of humanity crushing me as it fell backwards. Thankfully, that did not happen. But I realized that if I was going to make it up this escalator, I was going to have to double time my steps, since the motor had now switched to reverse. Sadly, the individuals ahead of me could barely keep up with the reverse rate. So I had to dodge my way up. As I made my way to the apex of the escalator, I overheard a woman exclaim, "Damn CTA". How dare you, woman, blame the CTA for society's obese tendencies. I will not have it!

Bocce '08

If you were not in Crown Point, Indiana this weekend, you truly missed out. Unless you were at the three baseball games on the South Side of Chicago. Go Sox! Anyway, the return of Bocce Bowl was a welcome treat for the residents of this quaint capital of Lake County, Indiana. The competition was heated, the Bud Light was cold, and the meat was flame-broiled. The Dog Pound Bitches faced off against Tenderfoot in the championship round, and the DP Bitches took the top prize. I'd like to thank Semmy and Klizzatch for arranging the food, and Jimmmay for the beverages and the marinated skirt steak. I'd also like to thank the fine folks at Johnny's Tap for not kicking us out due to our poor renditions of Doobie Brothers classics. See you next year!

Thank you,

girl on the Red Line, for expressing the feelings of your fellow passengers so eloquently. You obviously noticed the same things that I did about the dude with two cell phones and two large backpacks. His extreme douchebaggedness was an affront to douchebags everywhere. When his initial phone conversation came to an end, you refrained from commenting. But when he clicked over to take another call, you could not help yourself. "Jesus Christ," you exclaimed. An immediate smile came across my face as I looked over to you. "I thought he was done already," you stated. As the oblivious mister continued his conversation, we learned many fascinating things about him, didn't we? He doesn't have plans for the 4th of July, he's totally open to whatever is going down, and he's getting off at the next stop, Belmont. Upon hearing this you loudly sighed, "Thank God!" Oh, he heard you that time! At first I thought he might take off the coffee mug that he had affixed to his belt, and whip it across the train in your direction. But he must have reconsidered, as he then lowered his voice and started making his way towards the door. He departed at Belmont, and you departed soon after at Addison. Fare thee well, Wrigleyville girl with the bitchin' attitude.

Winter Wonderland

As I walked the city streets on my lunch hour today, I couldn't help but reminisce about a time much simpler, much more peaceful. Wintertime in Chicago. Oh, many people will tell you that summertime in Chicago is the shit. It's shit, alright. Filled with people who don't know where they're going, Greenpeace hippies, and frat boys who have come out of hibernation. Are you not following? Let me explain. When the kids get out of school, many parents like to bring their kids into the downtown area to give them some culture. As they try to locate the free trolleys to the museum campus and Navy Pier, they get in the way of us working folks who actually have to get to Gold Coast Dogs and back on our lunch hour. Then there are the Greenpeace hippies who stand on every street corner. "Hey, man! Do you have a minute for the environment?" Please do not bother me! I have a double cheeseburger in a sack that I hold at my side, and I will use it! And last but not least are the frat boys. These dudes can't weekday sauce in the winter when there is more than 1/4" of snow on the ground. But once the snow thaws and the Cubs start playing, they come out in force. Taking up valuable real estate on the barstools I so covet! Anyway, summer is here, come visit the city, hooray.

Apology To Gorditas

Gorditas, for so many years I have overlooked you. And I must apologize, because your deliciousness is evident in your deliciousness. Being a traditionalist, I have so many times gone with the taco supreme combo. An excellent choice, no doubt, but I was afraid to take a risk with you. You and your warm pita, which I laughingly discarded as some kind of cruel hoax. "Leave the pitas to the gyros makers," I quipped. But today I took the risk. Much like I did back in '89 with the Mexican Pizza. And you delivered on your promise. Never before have I felt this full, this satisfied after a TBell meal. I don't know how I can make up for all the years of neglect, but I'm going to try. I hope to see you again soon, amigo.